Reaching

I want to be somewhere else.

Successful. 

Happy.

Right now I am anything but. I have hit a wall. 

Lost everything. Literally. 

I worked to build a life with a man that it turns out love was not enough.

In leaving him I lost everything. 

I have ran my events into the ground because I am not knowledgable enough to sustain them. 

I have some to dislike being around people and just want to hold myself up somewhere I can just listen to music and try and pretend I am not really alive. Its a bothersome mental state I am in. 

Everyone around me bothers me. 

I bother me. 

I daydream of living in a quaint city, a small apartment decorated just the way I want it. Listening to the songs I want, eating the food I wish I could, working a job I care to be at and working on strengthening my body as well as my mind. I wish to study Japanese again, to make art again to actually do something with myself. 

Lately it seems like everyone I know is passing me by.

All of a sudden everything I ever thought or hoped to achieve feels like it has been stripped from me. 

I have no willpower.

I have developed such a bitter taste for the world.

I am terrified of going into something else that makes me miserable. 

I don't want to get a job with my sister because I already despise absolutely every tiny ounce of my life. The last thing I want is to devote 8 hours a day to a job that will make me reflect even more on how much I can't stand being alive. That reminds me we have to become slaves to earn enough happiness. 

I feel pulled in every direction because I can't offer those around me enough money to satisfy them. 

I despise money. Even when I had it. I hated it.  Now that I have nothing. I hate it more. 

I made the decision to sell my body for money recently. 

I am disgusted with myself that I feel forced to sell what is left of me to earn enough money fast enough to get everyone the hell away from me. 

I don't want to have to prostitute myself to make the money I owe, but otherwise it is going to take me years upon years to climb out of the hole I am in. A hole I fell into because I believed I could actually do something with myself. 

What a fools thought process...

Everyone is just out to ruin each other.

That way nobody succeeds. 

Where I want to be is simple. In fact many people have it, but take it for granted. 

I want a place I can be comfortable at. 

Somewhere that is mine and I feel safe at. 

I feel like every time I open my mouth anywhere, somebody holds it against me. 

The walls have ears, as well as absolutely every single thing I could possibly hope to do. Somebody takes it negatively and then holds it against me. 

Its like being myself....not that...existing feels like a crime. 

Walking feels wrong. I am so tired of leaving my bed and feeling guilty that I am even awake. 

I'm not sure how to fix things. 

I'm too afraid to move because I'm afraid of things getting worse.

Not like they are getting better though either. 

I just want a place to call home. So desperately. Its what I have wanted as long as I can remember. Somewhere safe. Somewhere that can honestly be my home. 

I want to make a home. 

I'm tired of being a visitor in my own life. 

Sick of being a stranger to myself.

I constantly reinvent myself to find something in me that I can be content with. 

It wont happen.

It never has.

...

I would kill to be anyone else. 

Anywhere else.

Anything else.

I hate me and everything about me. 

I used to think I could be successful. I used to think I was. 

I just lie to myself a lot. 

When I finally told myself the truth I realized why I have had to lie for so long. 

The truth is crippling. 

I am now left immobile.