Our Graves

5-9-2014 12:42
Today I cried for the first time in months in front of him after receiving the statement for my hospital bill....
I cried because I felt that letting this ulcer get worse felt like a better option than going this far into debt. I know that is a silly way to think but it is honestly how I felt.
I cried and apologized relentlessly to him, for crying, for being out of line for any reason I could think of.
He held me and softly made a request.
"I never want you to say sorry to me again."
If you ever think to say sorry I want you to replace those words with "I love you, can you do that for me? In turn I will do the same for you. Promise me?"
We locked pinkie fingers and swore on it.
I laid on his chest and said "I love you."
When I finally stoped the hysterics he said "Here is what were going to do, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette, you're going to come with me and bring your tea or whatever makes your comfortable and we will go to bed yeah?"
We went outside and sat there together, as the flame of his lighter met with his tobacco tears streamed from my eyes as he said. "I would die for you, you know that? If someone told me I would go through absolute agony but in return you would life a happy life forever, I would accept the pain...When we were driving down here to Utah you said to me that I was going to be stuck with you forever....I'm really happy to be stuck with you. You honestly are amazing. When people see our relationship and like when Emily asked where did you get a cute asian boy who cooks you food and dresses in a suit, honestly I think shes looking at it wrong, she should be asking me where I got someone as incredible as you......."
After another long drag he continued.
"You will probably outlive me."
I chuckled and denied his comment.
"You really will you know I'm pretty sure.....I just want you, in your will, I don't care what else it says at all but I want it to include one thing.
I want us to be burried under the same name, next to each other."
When he said that my heart skipped a beat, and I felt it.
I could not help but begin to sob.
That is such an incredible statement, such a powerful thing to say.
I want that too.
Its something I would always want someone to say to me and there he went and said it.
Its something my parents told me when I was young and it always stuck with me.
That they wanted to be buried next to each other under a great tree.
I have mentally committed myself to this man when I made the decision to leave Utah with him, but its tonight I can say that I without a doubt don't regret it.

Busy yet stagnant

So since I moved to Huston 5 weeks ago things have been....strange.
I got a job working at a gas station, a Chevron which is fine I guess. It sure as hell is not the reason I cam here.
I was talked into it by a little Japanese man who caught my eye back in Salt Lake. his promise of a job and the possibility of making more money than I ever could in Utah made it an easy decision.
The job has not started yet, who knows if it actually ever will and when it does will I be ready, will I be good enough to even handle it.
I am trying to grow the fuck up here but it just does not seem to be doing me much favors.
I feel like I'm always busy but yet at the same time doing absolutely nothing.
I have really lost a lot of interest in the things I used to and its starting to piss me off.
I have not done photos I have not been doing conventions. Nothing.
I need to get back into the swing of things but I just feel so fucking lost out here I have no idea where to even start. This is getting tiring.
I need to figure myself out quick or this whole thing will have been for nothing.
I cant let that happen...