Scrapbooking is for losers

So I was thinking while driving home today, I sort of want to make a scrapbook like thing of my trip to japan, I want to sort through all the photos I took and make a book that is just for me telling me about my journey and then take it around with me, maybe print out all the images and write little stuff about them, a picture book if you will that I can then recall certain memories from it. Since my memory is so bad. I think this would be a fun project for me, or even to make it online but then get it printed.

I thought of this because someday what if the sites I use disappear? I will lose all the information I put online. I just think if I make something physical I can keep it forever. Just as I want to print out all the photos I have made. I want to make books. I love photo books so much I think its about time I start producing some of my own.

I also spoke with Rob today a lot about going and taking a taiko drum class. I think I really want to. I also want to explore going to the Buddhist church out here. We will see how that plays out. :p

I miss you

Lush.

Fuck today.
I woke up a little late and remembered I have a job orientation thing to go to at Lush cosmetics today.
I was initially looking forward to going to this but this morning I woke up with a feeling of dread and thought to myself there is no point in me going in today its not like I will get the job.

So I dragged myself out of bed last minute and defeated my depression enough to go to this orientation.
They were hiring 5 people.
7 people showed up.
So I'm like wow my odds of getting THIS job, one that I actually want is actually in reach, and not totally impossible.

...

I spent two hours playing with lotion and doing peer practice and some interviews.
I have absolutely open and undying availability. I would completely dedicate my life to that fucking job. I would be the god of selling those products.

I was one of the 2 they turned away.

Maybe I was too excited.
Maybe I came off as desperate.
Maybe I just flat out do not get along with women, that one I am positive of.
The main manager also had an outgoing personality and she probably just got a shit vibe from me, maybe my depression was showing. I don't fucking know.

But this is the 4th job I have not gotten for whatever god damn reason and its getting worse trying to pick myself up off the fucking floor to go to another goddamn interview.

Is it so much to ask for to want to work at a place I actually want to fucking go to?!

No?
Thats too fucking much?

So I came home and spent the entire day applying to jobs I fucking would rather blow my brains out than work at but I guess something is better than nothing. Although I cant say it will do much for my crippling depression.
God I want to kill myself.

Lucky for me I am too stubborn.

Hopefully I get through this shit storm called life with something to fucking show for myself.

Although probably not.

The Worlds End

Alright! I got to see The Worlds End! It totally did not disappoint!
I am stoked~!
Last night I went out with Phil whom I adore, and Ashley and Mitzy who are also great company.
I met up with Cole who got me the ticket and some other friends.

Although after the movie when we were all gathering and Phil left to work and Ashley and Mitzy went home, I was standing there with the rest of my "friends" One of whom I am openly aware dislikes me.

I felt....distant. I realized they were not really my friends. They could not help but bring up convention stuff and I remembered they treat me more like their distant boss that is a total asshole more than one of them as an actual friend.
Especially the one guy who does not like me anymore....he gave me some pretty harsh looks that were just hard to be around.
It really sucks because he is pretty much balls deep in that circle of friends now.
Yet again I have left town and left myself out.
Its uncomfortable being around them especially after I have blatantly let them all down.
I wish there was something I could do to make it better but I know there really is not.

I now sort of realize, its not like I can do Conventions alone, but I would rather do it with friends and I don't feel like a friend.

In this city the only people I truly feel friends with is Robyn whom never has time for me. Chris who is equally as depressed as I so it really does neither of us any good and Tony who I don't really even talk to much anymore, plus he is more interested in talking to my sister anyway.  I guess based off social media you would think I have a lot of friends but....It really just does not feel like it. Thats probably my fault because I don't want to really let anybody in anymore. I am so tired of being either let down or betrayed. As for the conventions.....Its not really...after seeing the success of other conventions and remembering I am a broke ass child with nothing to show for myself and basically no real viable business knowledge. Yeah... there goes my motivation in that as well.... I wanted to be the person to bring a huge convention to SLC, something people could really enjoy and give a shit about... I am generally just pushes aside for anime banzai, buried alive by the pony community and Salt Fest....yeah I don't even want to talk about that abomination.

Yet again I have no idea what to do with my life...just when I thought I had it all figured out.
I have been thinking more and more about getting my coffee shop off the ground...but yet again I don't have any money and I am positive someone will go out and do my idea before I even get the fucking chance.

Whatever. Fuck this city.

There is not much of a reason for me to stay in it for much longer.

Con-crazy

So I run conventions.
Its not the easiest job. Hell its barely a job, a job at least is something you get paid for.
No its more like something I use to ruin my life yet at the same time give some small sense of meaning to it.
I have gone into crippling debt because of conventions, ruined friendships, made new friends, learned some pretty harsh lessons and at the end of the day simply look forward to what the hell am I going to do with it next year?
I really enjoy running conventions, it not only gives me something to do but something I can enthrall all my friends in as well.

This year though.
I had pretty much given up.
I mean its not like I could turn convention running into a full time gig. Especially since I sure as hell am not getting paid for it, and neither are my volunteers.
I would love to be able to turn running conventions, doing photography and traveling into somethingI do all the time. In a sense that is what I am doing.
Yet at the same time... totally drowning in it.
I hope that I can take the lessons I learned this year and can turn it all around by next year and make something that is actually successful.
Hopefully..... I can do that.

I'm going to need help though. I have been trying to do this whole thing alone for so long, and I am starting to realize, I am not Altus. as much as I liked to say and think I am.

Its about time I start to figure out how to share the weight as well as the rewards.

Luckily I do have people who are there to support me.

To Kill a Mocking Bird or Love Yourself...

I spent the night watching Documentaries.
I watched a number of them over the past few days.
Since I have felt like I have nothing better to do with myself I might as well educate myself.
Well, tonight I watched a documentary called Hungry For Change

It was actually quite inspiring which often times I get inspired in certain ways by watching documentaries or movies etc, hell I watched Orange is the New Black and thought shit maybe prison could be a fun life adventure. Luckily I don't always listen to myself. :p

However this film really I feel made an impact. 

Particularly at the end when the elderly woman spoke about loving yourself.

That has been something I have struggled with for most of my life. 

Loving myself. 

Its not easy. 

In fact I can easily say I downright hate everything about me....

but maybe...a different mindset is in order. 

I have been going through a really tough time mentally and physically for a number of months now ever since my separation with a 2 year boyfriend that left me both heart broken and financially devastated. 

I have been wanting to make a very drastic change in myself for a long time.

both physically and mentally. 

 I feel like maybe there are some small elements, small steps I can make now that could greatly impact my mental state as well as my physical being. 

Something as simple as eating healthier and taking walks. 

I need to get active and change my life or its not going to be much of anything pretty soon.

I used to be a very motivated girl but I often get crushed under my own mind.

I have built quite the penitentiary in my head and think its time I put my mind on probation and eventually set myself free from....well me.

After the film ended I was drinking Arizona tea which I must say I am pretty addicted to. I turned the can around and read the ingredients. I promptly stood up and poured almost a full can down the drain and said no more. I start now. 

I want to start now. Not put it off like I have been doing with my life.

Today I also experienced a quite needed pep talk by a guy who has increasingly become very important to me and does so more by the day. 

He inspires me to be the me I have wanted to be. 

I feel truly inspired by him and this film today think its not too late for me to make a change. 

Trying Stuff

Looking for something to do with myself lately.
I really want to do photos again but for some reason I can't seem to actually bring myself to do much of anything with it.
I need a model.
I need a muse.

I have been really wanting to record some of my music finally but yet I am once again cock blocked by my lack of financial stability.
Aka. I am broke as fuck...
I would really like to get a recording mic so I can actually make some music.

I don't want to work with someone on it really either because I am worried they will change my vision of the music I think I want to create.

Hopefully I will get this together soon.
I went to an interview at Sephora today, maybe that will work out. The lady seemed to like me. Mind you it will be ultra part time, but part time is better than no time. Just as some money is better than absolutely none. :/

Since I otherwise am not sure what to post here I will show you a video I made in Vegas recently when I went there to go and see Rick for literally a day.

Reaching

I want to be somewhere else.

Successful. 

Happy.

Right now I am anything but. I have hit a wall. 

Lost everything. Literally. 

I worked to build a life with a man that it turns out love was not enough.

In leaving him I lost everything. 

I have ran my events into the ground because I am not knowledgable enough to sustain them. 

I have some to dislike being around people and just want to hold myself up somewhere I can just listen to music and try and pretend I am not really alive. Its a bothersome mental state I am in. 

Everyone around me bothers me. 

I bother me. 

I daydream of living in a quaint city, a small apartment decorated just the way I want it. Listening to the songs I want, eating the food I wish I could, working a job I care to be at and working on strengthening my body as well as my mind. I wish to study Japanese again, to make art again to actually do something with myself. 

Lately it seems like everyone I know is passing me by.

All of a sudden everything I ever thought or hoped to achieve feels like it has been stripped from me. 

I have no willpower.

I have developed such a bitter taste for the world.

I am terrified of going into something else that makes me miserable. 

I don't want to get a job with my sister because I already despise absolutely every tiny ounce of my life. The last thing I want is to devote 8 hours a day to a job that will make me reflect even more on how much I can't stand being alive. That reminds me we have to become slaves to earn enough happiness. 

I feel pulled in every direction because I can't offer those around me enough money to satisfy them. 

I despise money. Even when I had it. I hated it.  Now that I have nothing. I hate it more. 

I made the decision to sell my body for money recently. 

I am disgusted with myself that I feel forced to sell what is left of me to earn enough money fast enough to get everyone the hell away from me. 

I don't want to have to prostitute myself to make the money I owe, but otherwise it is going to take me years upon years to climb out of the hole I am in. A hole I fell into because I believed I could actually do something with myself. 

What a fools thought process...

Everyone is just out to ruin each other.

That way nobody succeeds. 

Where I want to be is simple. In fact many people have it, but take it for granted. 

I want a place I can be comfortable at. 

Somewhere that is mine and I feel safe at. 

I feel like every time I open my mouth anywhere, somebody holds it against me. 

The walls have ears, as well as absolutely every single thing I could possibly hope to do. Somebody takes it negatively and then holds it against me. 

Its like being myself....not that...existing feels like a crime. 

Walking feels wrong. I am so tired of leaving my bed and feeling guilty that I am even awake. 

I'm not sure how to fix things. 

I'm too afraid to move because I'm afraid of things getting worse.

Not like they are getting better though either. 

I just want a place to call home. So desperately. Its what I have wanted as long as I can remember. Somewhere safe. Somewhere that can honestly be my home. 

I want to make a home. 

I'm tired of being a visitor in my own life. 

Sick of being a stranger to myself.

I constantly reinvent myself to find something in me that I can be content with. 

It wont happen.

It never has.

...

I would kill to be anyone else. 

Anywhere else.

Anything else.

I hate me and everything about me. 

I used to think I could be successful. I used to think I was. 

I just lie to myself a lot. 

When I finally told myself the truth I realized why I have had to lie for so long. 

The truth is crippling. 

I am now left immobile.