Our Graves

5-9-2014 12:42
Today I cried for the first time in months in front of him after receiving the statement for my hospital bill....
I cried because I felt that letting this ulcer get worse felt like a better option than going this far into debt. I know that is a silly way to think but it is honestly how I felt.
I cried and apologized relentlessly to him, for crying, for being out of line for any reason I could think of.
He held me and softly made a request.
"I never want you to say sorry to me again."
If you ever think to say sorry I want you to replace those words with "I love you, can you do that for me? In turn I will do the same for you. Promise me?"
We locked pinkie fingers and swore on it.
I laid on his chest and said "I love you."
When I finally stoped the hysterics he said "Here is what were going to do, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette, you're going to come with me and bring your tea or whatever makes your comfortable and we will go to bed yeah?"
We went outside and sat there together, as the flame of his lighter met with his tobacco tears streamed from my eyes as he said. "I would die for you, you know that? If someone told me I would go through absolute agony but in return you would life a happy life forever, I would accept the pain...When we were driving down here to Utah you said to me that I was going to be stuck with you forever....I'm really happy to be stuck with you. You honestly are amazing. When people see our relationship and like when Emily asked where did you get a cute asian boy who cooks you food and dresses in a suit, honestly I think shes looking at it wrong, she should be asking me where I got someone as incredible as you......."
After another long drag he continued.
"You will probably outlive me."
I chuckled and denied his comment.
"You really will you know I'm pretty sure.....I just want you, in your will, I don't care what else it says at all but I want it to include one thing.
I want us to be burried under the same name, next to each other."
When he said that my heart skipped a beat, and I felt it.
I could not help but begin to sob.
That is such an incredible statement, such a powerful thing to say.
I want that too.
Its something I would always want someone to say to me and there he went and said it.
Its something my parents told me when I was young and it always stuck with me.
That they wanted to be buried next to each other under a great tree.
I have mentally committed myself to this man when I made the decision to leave Utah with him, but its tonight I can say that I without a doubt don't regret it.

Busy yet stagnant

So since I moved to Huston 5 weeks ago things have been....strange.
I got a job working at a gas station, a Chevron which is fine I guess. It sure as hell is not the reason I cam here.
I was talked into it by a little Japanese man who caught my eye back in Salt Lake. his promise of a job and the possibility of making more money than I ever could in Utah made it an easy decision.
The job has not started yet, who knows if it actually ever will and when it does will I be ready, will I be good enough to even handle it.
I am trying to grow the fuck up here but it just does not seem to be doing me much favors.
I feel like I'm always busy but yet at the same time doing absolutely nothing.
I have really lost a lot of interest in the things I used to and its starting to piss me off.
I have not done photos I have not been doing conventions. Nothing.
I need to get back into the swing of things but I just feel so fucking lost out here I have no idea where to even start. This is getting tiring.
I need to figure myself out quick or this whole thing will have been for nothing.
I cant let that happen...

I just can't take it anymore...

I'm so sorry......I don't want to be like this and I see that you are trying to help me I really honestly do. and I appreciate it completely. I know salt fest meant a lot to us and is still a great idea. I am just completely gone in the head. Its absolutely awful. I mean gone to the point that I should probably be hospitalized. I am so depressed I can't do anything. I can't function on normal human levels. All I can think about constantly is how much I wish I was dead, or how much I wish everything was not about money. I just can barely handle breathing.  I stay awake all night laying in my bed staring into space and then crying. I seriously don't know what to do... nothing seems to be getting better. Just worse....always.
I want to help you and I want to make conventions and I want to be the person I was striving to become before Salt Fest happened. I am just too afraid of the world now...I am horrified of failing so my mind is refusing to begin anything now.  :(

Late nights, bruises and Red Plaid

So, its been a while since I have last made an update, but I guess I will start with most recent and work backwards. I got a new job, I met a guy, I went on a pretty crazy trip, etc etc.
So let me start with the good part yeah?
His name is .....well I don't think I wanna tell you his name.
So lets just call him Mr. Marlboro.
He's pretty much awesome.
So I have been seeing Mr. Marlboro, well lets shorten it to Mr. M, so I don't have to type that much.
I got a new job at a Call Center.... Yeah I know I always said I would never work at one, well here I am.
Guess that's what I get for the shotgun approach of job hunting.
It's not too bad, well I guess the pay is not too bad. 11hr which is nice, except I sort of hate everyone I work with. :/
Anyway, this guy. I met him at this job.
First day of training he sat next to me and I sent him a note.
We talked back and fourth the whole day, and pretty much every day after that. It's pretty cute.
I am pretty sure if I did not have him and Chris at this job I would have quit a long time ago.
So, him and I get along marvelous. He has a really cute way of flirting with me that I really like.
He can match my sarcasm and whit which is refreshing.
He also has really strange but interesting/cute mannerisms.
So I took him out on a couple dates, well date ish things. We have never officially really done anything.
Just saying right now I am an awesome gentleman.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where things with him are going but I do like the journey thus far.

So I am sure by now you are wondering what is up with the title of this post.
Well the Late nights...you see, I recently moved into a new apt.
Yet I have pretty much spent a total of 5 nights at it this month. I spent most of my time at Mr. M's house watching television shows and uhh......television shows.
He pretty much always wears this red plaid shirt, I think I might get him a new shirt just so I have a different color to look at.  He is a smoker...eeehhh, not my favorite but not unusual.
As for bruises...well..

Lets just say I have a bruise on my hip that has still not healed and its the size of a golf ball.
I make interesting life choices. <3
I took him out of state recently to go to the annual Tomodatchi Fest.
That was pretty awesome. As usual I love traveling but we had a very interesting/crazy/sexy/strange/intoxicated time. :)
As usual at Anime conventions.
He ended up meeting Marcus.
*cough*
Well that was a strange encounter.
Especially both Marcus and Mr. M are extremely similar people.
and by similar I mean fucking doppelgangers.
Even Marcus agreed with it and thats a feat.
That's not a bad thing per say, its just crazy.  I often got the Marcus vibe from Mr. M but when I saw them interact with eachother it was fucking wild.
Don't get me wrong, they both are still extremely different in various ways...but damn.
Well, I guess thats a pretty good update on my life for now.
Just checking in~
Kpeace
<3  

Scrapbooking is for losers

So I was thinking while driving home today, I sort of want to make a scrapbook like thing of my trip to japan, I want to sort through all the photos I took and make a book that is just for me telling me about my journey and then take it around with me, maybe print out all the images and write little stuff about them, a picture book if you will that I can then recall certain memories from it. Since my memory is so bad. I think this would be a fun project for me, or even to make it online but then get it printed.

I thought of this because someday what if the sites I use disappear? I will lose all the information I put online. I just think if I make something physical I can keep it forever. Just as I want to print out all the photos I have made. I want to make books. I love photo books so much I think its about time I start producing some of my own.

I also spoke with Rob today a lot about going and taking a taiko drum class. I think I really want to. I also want to explore going to the Buddhist church out here. We will see how that plays out. :p

I miss you

Lush.

Fuck today.
I woke up a little late and remembered I have a job orientation thing to go to at Lush cosmetics today.
I was initially looking forward to going to this but this morning I woke up with a feeling of dread and thought to myself there is no point in me going in today its not like I will get the job.

So I dragged myself out of bed last minute and defeated my depression enough to go to this orientation.
They were hiring 5 people.
7 people showed up.
So I'm like wow my odds of getting THIS job, one that I actually want is actually in reach, and not totally impossible.

...

I spent two hours playing with lotion and doing peer practice and some interviews.
I have absolutely open and undying availability. I would completely dedicate my life to that fucking job. I would be the god of selling those products.

I was one of the 2 they turned away.

Maybe I was too excited.
Maybe I came off as desperate.
Maybe I just flat out do not get along with women, that one I am positive of.
The main manager also had an outgoing personality and she probably just got a shit vibe from me, maybe my depression was showing. I don't fucking know.

But this is the 4th job I have not gotten for whatever god damn reason and its getting worse trying to pick myself up off the fucking floor to go to another goddamn interview.

Is it so much to ask for to want to work at a place I actually want to fucking go to?!

No?
Thats too fucking much?

So I came home and spent the entire day applying to jobs I fucking would rather blow my brains out than work at but I guess something is better than nothing. Although I cant say it will do much for my crippling depression.
God I want to kill myself.

Lucky for me I am too stubborn.

Hopefully I get through this shit storm called life with something to fucking show for myself.

Although probably not.